Someday You Will Be Loved
by PopcornMaster
Summary: Shenko M/M love story.
1. Chapter 1

iAvert your eyes.

Now, goddammit.

Avert your eyes.

Look away now; before he catches you staring!/i

"Commander?"

iYou're such an idiot Markus. Such an... damn it./i

"I, uh..." i Want you. I want you to press me up against the wall, kiss me violently, confess to me that you've always known how I felt, that you've always felt the same way, confess that you've always wanted me the way I want you, as much as I want you. I want to marry you, settle down somewhere and adopt a bunch of kids and love happily ever after. I want-/i "Could you go up to the bridge and ask Joker how we're doing? I'll get up there in a minute."

Kaidan looked confused at him for a moment before nodding, "Yeah, sure."

It took all of Markus' willpower not to grab the lieutenant and pull him against himself as he left to take to elevator up from the cargo bay.

iEventually you'll have to get over him, Markus. He's not gay. It'll never happen, no matter how much you wish for it./i

Even though he'd known this for almost as long as he'd known Kaidan, he just couldn't give up, he couldn't let go. Instead he kept wishing, kept hoping while spending all that time alone. Sometimes he realized how much better he would feel if he could just get over this crush, but he forgot that as soon as Alenko would smile, even just glance in his direction.

He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, taking a deep breath, before grabbing his helmet and heading over to the elevator to get up to the bridge as well.

If he'd only been born a woman, all this would be a lot simpler. It'd be one less thing to worry about at least.

Shepard wanted to believe that someone falls in love with a person and not just their sex, but in his whole life he had never been in love with a woman, never been attracted to one. He never saw them in that way. He had only felt desire towards men. He'd been in love with straight men before though, and it had never been easy, but this was the first time that he'd been unable to let it go. Maybe it was because he was always so close to Kaidan, or maybe it was just because it was Kaidan. But no matter the reason, Markus just couldn't-

As he stepped out from the elevator, he felt a tremor going through the Normandy, and he could hear a series of explosions. They were under attack.

He could hear people shouting.

Markus hurried towards the mess hall, getting to the back of the ships, at the end of the long row with sleeping pods. Fires was already spreading through the ship.

"Commander!" It was Joker's voice coming from the speakers, "We're being attacked by an unidentified enemy."

He got to the back of the ship, to where the control board was located to ready the distress beacon and the escape pods. "How bad is it?"

"They're tearing right through us!"

He cursed under his breath. Wasn't they supposed to be invisible? What enemy ship could do this much damage in such little time, where they had no chance to escape or fight back.

The fire alarms sounded through the ship.

"Get to an escape shuttle Joker!"

"The hell I am!"

"Joker?" Another explosion. "Joker!" iGoddamn it!/i He readied the beacon, the fire getting closer and the heat getting almost unbearable.

"Shepard!"

Markus put on his helmet, "The distress beacon is ready for launch."

"Will the Alliance get here in time?"

He picked up one of the fire extinguishers before turning to Kaidan, "The Alliance won't abandon us, we just have to hold on!"

Another explosion, the ship shaking so much he almost lost his balance. "Get everyone onto the escape shuttles."

"Joker's still in the cockpit; he won't abandon ship."

iOf course not. Damn that man's obsession with this ship./i

"I'm not leaving either!"

His head snapped, eyes locking onto Alenko's through both of their helmets. "I need you to get everyone onto the evac shuttles." He wasn't about to let Kaidan stay on a ship that couldn't be saved.

He tossed the extinguisher to Alenko when he saw that some of the wires to the control panel had been cut, reaching to fix them. "I'll take care of Joker."

"Commander..."

"Kaidan, go!" He turned his head towards the lieutenant. "Now."

Kaidan hesitated for a moment, before he gave the Commander a quick nod. "Aye aye."

Markus turned his eyes back to the wires, feeling his heart let out a sigh of relief.

iYou're the last person I'll ever want to see die on my watch, Kaidan./i

Soon he realized he didn't have time to completely fix the wires, so he had to leave them, hoping that it would be enough. Markus hurried to the bridge, only to find the top of the ship completely missing over the CIC.

iAnd Joker is still refusing to leave the Normandy?/i

He walked as fast as he dared in the now zero-gravity environment, soon grabbing a hold of the flight lieutenants chair.

"Joker! Get your ass onto a shuttle!"

"No!" The pilot refused to look at him, "I can still save her!"

"The Normandy is gone!" Shepard screamed, "Going down with the ship won't change that!"

Joker stopped, looking at the screen for a moment before lowering his head, "Yeah, you're right... Help me get up from here."

He reached to help Joker up, when he saw the enemy ship turning around to come back again.

"They're coming around for another attack!"

The only thing Markus could do was to watch the Normandy get cut into small pieces. They didn't stand a chance staying here.

"Come on Joker!" He grabbed the pilot by his arm, pulling him up on his feet.

"Argh!" Joker groaned, "Watch the arm!"

"Yeah yeah, I'm sorry, just hurry up."

They ran through the ship as fast as they dared with the other ship still attacking, with Joker's bones that could snap at anytime, with the entire top of the Normandy missing.

He got Joker into the shuttle, and Shepard had just enough time to watch the enemy cut right through the ship once more before an explosion threw him off, making him lose his balance and sending him away from the shuttle. He reaches out to grab something, his fingers slipping, but he manages to holds on.

"Commander!"

His eyes turns to Joker, his mind flashing with images of the Normandy's crew as his hand fumbles to find the eject button.

"SHEPARD!"

The shuttle door closes and Markus knows that he won't survive this. He might have survived a lot of things, but this... even he isn't that lucky.

A final blast. The Normandy is gone. His crew is either safe in the evac shuttles or dead, as he will be soon. Kaidan... God, he hopes he made it out.

It's getting harder to breathe. There's been a rapture in his suit and the oxygen is getting out into space. He tries to hold on to it, tries to fix it and feels the panic gripping him.

Images of his life flashes like a movie playing inside his head, old lines playing on repeat.

i'I've taken enough of your time now, Commander.'/i

It darkens before his eyes.

iI just wanted some more time.../i


	2. Chapter 2

It had been hours of just sitting and waiting. Waiting for death as their attackers did to them what they did to the Normandy, or waiting to be saved, waiting for the Alliance to arrive and rescue them. Nobody said anything, just an occasional sob escaping in the beginning, but as time passed only the silent breathing or the crew members could be heard.

After almost three hours of waiting, backup arrived. By then their attackers were long gone. Kaidan had no idea how many had survived the attack, but he knew everyone couldn't have made it. It didn't make it easier when he saw how many faces that was missing when they got on board one of the frigates.

"Joker."

He saw the pilot sitting in a corner, Dr. Chakwas looking over him. Neither of them saying anything.

"Where Shepard?"

Kaidan could see the two of them locking eyes for a moment before Chakwas continued with her examination of Joker's arm.

"He's... not here."

"I can see that he's not here," he looked around, his eyes scanning over the crowd of the Normandy's crew members, "But the last time I saw him he was getting you, so I figured you knew where he'd be."

"He... we... got separated."

An uneasiness started spreading from his chest. "What do you mean you got separated?"

"I mean that he's not here and he won't be coming anytime soon."

"He's..." The words got stuck in his throat. "Dead?"

"Well, the last time I saw him was just before the door to the shuttle closed with him on the outside and then the Normandy exploded."

"Jeff..." Chakwas put a hand on his arm, "Lieutenant, I'm-"

"I'm... it's...okay."

"Kaidan."

"I need to be alone."

He couldn't feel his body move, he just closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them again everyone was gone. He leaned back against a wall, sliding down to the floor.

Shepard... dead? He couldn't be. He couldn't have died because of this. He... was a survivor. He survived Akuze. Saren. Sovereign. This wouldn't kill him.

Kaidan didn't know what he felt.

It was hard to breathe.

He'd lost Shepard. His commander. One of his best friends. One of the few friends he had. His...

Kaidan knew how the Commander felt about him, he had always known. Markus wasn't good at hiding things. But it didn't bother him. At first it made him a bit nervous, he didn't know what to do, if he should say anything, but after a while he got used to it. Shepard never did anything, he never said anything about it or made a move or anything. And he liked talking to him. He told Shepard things he never told anybody.

But now he was gone.

And Kaidan didn't know what he felt. Loss. Pain. Like he was missing a part of himself.

Damn it. If he only got Joker to a shuttle right away, then...

He buried his face in his hands.

Then Shepard would still be alive.


	3. Chapter 3

It was dark. All around him. No light, and no sound. Just silence and darkness.

No.

Not far from him there was a fire cracking. A small fire, and it's flames barely gave light to anything. But he did see a shadow, a silhouette of a man sitting by the fire, like he was waiting for someone.

Shepard walked closer to the fire, closer to the man sitting by it. There was something... familiar with the man. He couldn't see his face, but he felt that this was someone he knew. This was someone who knew him.

He, the man by the fire, turned around.

"Markus."

He stopped. He recognized that voice. Shepard took another step forward.

"Dad?"

The fire lit up the face of the man, a face that looked very much like his own. Those high cheekbones, those almond shaped eyes, and those big lips, curving into a wide smile. He stood up, tall and with the broad shoulders of a man that had served in the military most of his life.

Markus smiled, hurrying his steps, and tightly clung to his father as they hugged, "Dad."

It had been years since his father died in service, and it had been hard on him. He'd always been close with his father, even though they rarely saw each other during once Shepard also joined the military. All three of them had been, he, his father and his mother. He guessed that it was either that or barely knowing your own family as a soldier.

"You're here earlier than I thought, Markus."

"Yeah," they both sat down by the fire as they separated, "I didn't think it'd be this soon either. But it's good to see you."

"It's good to see you too, son."

He felt a hand rest on his shoulder.

"How is your mother?"

"Good, I think," Markus replied, "She still misses you though."

His father chuckled.

"I guess she'll be alone now," He turned his gaze to the fire. "I feel like I let her down."

"You shouldn't," his Dad said, tightening his grip on Markus shoulder, "Your mother is a strong woman and she can handle herself."

"Yeah..."

"She'll come to us when it's time for her."

His lips curved into a smile, "You're right."

His Dad smiled back at him.

Markus chuckled, "But she'll be so mad at me for going before her!"

"I'd be surprised if she wasn't mad!" his father laughed. "She's only going to be mad at you because she'll miss you."

"I know..."

His father rubbed his shoulder, smiling softly at him. "Don't worry about her."

Shepard nodded slowly. His father was right; his mother was a strong woman, the strongest he'd ever known. She would be alright.

"What about you, Markus? Is there anyone you..." His father let the sentence fade out.

Kaidan's face flashed by.

He bit his lower lip. "No grandchildren for you I'm afraid."

His father looked at him in silence for a while. "But there was someone?"

"No..." Shepard began, but stopped himself, "There was, but he... Kaidan isn't gay."

"Did he tell you that?"

"He told me about a girl that he used to love, so..."

"So no?" his father smirked.

"Well, no, but..."

His Dad nudged him, "If he didn't tell you he's not interested in guys, then there's no way for you to know he's not for sure."

Markus nudged him back, "It's not helping me knowing that I might've had a chance with him now that I'm dead."

His father laughed, "You're right, I'm sorry."

Shepard felt an arm being put around his shoulders.

"I just thought that you should know it wouldn't have killed you to ask him out."

Markus chuckled, "It might have..."

They both laughed, before suddenly a bright light lit up their surroundings.

i"...like he's showing an awareness of his surroundings."/i

"What-?" Markus looked around, looked at his father, before realizing that the light was coming from himself, that his whole body was fading, being replaced with this light instead. "Dad, what's happening?"

i"Oh my God Miranda! I think he's waking up!"/i

His father smiled at him, "Looks like it's not your time just yet."

i"Dammit Wilson, he's not ready yet – Give him the sedative."/i

"But...!"

"Give your mother my love."

i"Shepard, don't try to move, just lie still. Try to stay calm."/i

"Dad!"

"I'm proud of you, Markus."

i"H**eart rate is still climbing, brain activity is off the charts! Stats are pushing into the red zone. It's not working!"**/i

"Dad!"

i"Give him another dose. Now!" /i

"Do me a favor, Markus..."

i"Heart rate dropping, stats falling..."/i

"Tell that Alenko-kid how you feel this time."

The image of his father faded, being replaced by a brightly lit room, the face of a dark haired woman smiling at him.

Then... darkness again.


	4. Chapter 4

"Have you heard?"

"Of course I've heard! How could I not?"

"I still can't believe it."

"I know, me neither."

"I mean... Commander Shepard. Alive?"

Kaidan stopped reading the report that he held in his hand, almost dropping it to the floor.

Shepard?

No. He must have heard them wrong. Commander Shepard had been dead for over two years now. They must be talking about someone else.

But he wished that they weren't.

"Yeah. He got spaced, didn't he?"

"I heard they couldn't even find his body on Alchera after the crash."

His mind flooded with images of the worst day in his life. The Normandy on fire, crew members – his friends – dead. Markus... gone. He still blamed himself for it. If he'd stayed behind to get Joker with Shepard, then maybe he would still be alive. Or if he'd gotten Jeff to the shuttle right away...

Kaidan sighed, running a hand through his hair.

There was no point in thinking about the 'what if's anymore. There was nothing he could do to change anything.

"That because Cerberus got a hold of it first, those bastards!"

"Yeah, but the brought him back to life didn't they? And Shepard's working with them too, so maybe they aren't as evil as-"

"What did you say?"

"Commander Alenko!"

The two soldiers straightened themselves when they saw him.

"What was that you said about Cerberus?"

"I, uh..."

"You said that Shepard's working with Cerberus!"

"Y-yes sir" the soldier stuttered, "But that's just a rumor, I..."

"Yeah, Shepard died two years ago, it's probably not-"

Kaidan didn't stay to hear the rest of what they had to say.

He didn't know what to feel. A part of him hoped that what they were saying, that the rumors about Shepard was true, that he was alive. Another part of him hoped that it wasn't true, because that would mean that he was working with Cerberus.

He knew Shepard, and he knew that he would never work with them. They were terrorists. They'd seen what Cerberus was like, his own team had been lead into a trap on Akuze by them. Markus would never betray the Alliance for them.

Kaidan wasn't sure. But he knew who would know the truth about this, if anyone.

"Anderson!"

He didn't stop until he stood right in front of the Councilor's desk, his breath short, beads of sweat starting to form on his forehead.

"Commander Alenko" Anderson looked up from the datapad in his hand, "Any specific-"

"Is Shepard working with Cerberus?"

He looked down to his pad again. "Commander Shepard has been dead for two years, Kaidan. You know that."

"There's rumors that he's not dead, and that he's-"

Anderson shook his head, "You're listening to rumors now? There's rumors that the geth never were a real threat, too, do you believe that? Or that-"

"Don't change the subject, Anderson. Is he really alive?"

He sighed, "If Shepard was alive, would he be working with Cerberus?"

Kaidan hesitated to answer, "No."

"Then there's your answer. If Shepard wouldn't work with Cerberus, then the rumors aren't true. And then the rumors about him being alive is wrong too."

"You-"

"Shepard is dead."

There was something Anderson wasn't telling him. He knew about this.

"I have a mission for you, Commander."

"What is it?"

"We've received intel that suggest that Cerberus is behind the attacks on our colonies."

Anderson handed over the datapad that he'd been holding since he came into the room.

"And that they're planning to hit Horizon out in the Iera System next."

He gave him a quick nod.

This was his chance to find out what Anderson was hiding. And it was his chance to find out if Shepard really was alive, if he was working for Cerberus.


	5. Chapter 5

No.

No, this was all wrong.

"Kaidan, please…" he pleaded, "Please, just let me explain."

"What's there to explain? You're with Cerberus now."

The look that Kaidan was giving him… it felt like he was dying all over again. He'd never seen those brown eyes so cold before.

"It's not like that, I'm not…" Markus sighed, "There's more to it than just that."

"I thought you were dead, Shepard," he growled, shaking his head slowly, "We all did. And then I find out you're not only alive, but you're working with terrorists?"

"I was dead." His voice was hoarse, "For two years, but Cerberus rebuilt me. They brought me back to life to stop the Collectors." Shepard had to stop himself from reaching out to touch him. "They're working with the Reapers."

"Maybe." Kaidan's voice wasn't as harsh before.

He felt his lips gently curve as his heart let out a sigh of relief. If just one person in the whole galaxy believed in him… if that one person was Kaidan, then he'd be alright.

"Or maybe that's just what Cerberus wants you to think." Kaidan took a step away from him, crossing his arms over his chest, "What if they're using the threat of the Reapers to manipulate you? What if they're working with the Collectors?"

"Dammit Kaidan, you're too focused on Cerberus to see the real threat!"

Markus turned to the turian. He had almost forgotten that he was there, as well as Kasumi. Even though he was glad that he had their support, he wished that Kaidan would support him too.

"Kaidan, I need you to trust me on this one," he said.

"I did trust you."

He felt tears burning behind his eyes.

Damn it, this wasn't the time to start crying!

He just… he just couldn't handle Kaidan not trusting him.

"But I can't understand how you can work with Cerberus, Shepard. After everything that they did, after what we saw. What they did to you squad on Akuze."

"I know, I know what they did," he said hoarsely, having to push away the memories of the Thresher Maw attack all those years ago, having to push through the tears building up inside him, "But they're right about this."

"I don't know…" Kaidan said, slowly shaking his head while looking at him, "I feel like I don't know you anymore."

"I…" The words he wanted to say stuck in his throat, and faded into nothing. The tears started to dim his vision.

"I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they want to believe your story or not." He turned around, started walking in the direction he came, before he stopped again, looking at him. "Good luck , Commander."

Markus closed his eyes to keep the tears away. He was too emotional for this time and place. He needed to be strong, and this shouldn't be able to break him like it did.

"Jo-" his voice cracked, "Joker, send the shuttle."

"Wow," he could hear Kasumi say behind him, "That was like watching someone kick a puppy."

"Not now," Garrus silenced her.

iI need to get away from this place./i


	6. Chapter 6

The sound of the city life roared outside his window, louder than usual. Giving him a migraine worse than usual.

Kaidan rubbed his temples, sighing.

But it wasn't just the loud noises that were causing his migraine. It was his conscience eating at him.

He shouldn't have said what he said to Shepard back on Horizon. He… reacted too strongly. He still didn't trust Cerberus, and he never would, but he should've trusted Markus. He of all people knew what Cerberus was like, what they were capable of. They'd seen the experiments Cerberus did, Markus had been the sole survivor of Akuze, and he still worked with them… Shepard always had a good reason for everything he did. He never cut corners; he never took the easy way out. He wouldn't betray the Alliance.

But he had. And the only reason he would… was because they didn't believe him when he said that the Collectors was behind the attack. And that they were working with the Reapers.

God, he was an idiot!

Kaidan buried his face in his hands.

He needed to apologize to him. Shepard didn't deserve that kind of lashing out that he gave him. This was why Kaidan was sitting by his terminal, trying to figure out what to say. What he could possibly say to make this right again.

He wouldn't forgive himself for what he said on Horizon if he was in Shepard's shoes. At least not just because of an apologetic message. But he had to do something.

Kaidan took a deep breath, and pressed the recording button.

"Shepard," he sighed, "I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon."

He pinched the bridge of his nose before he continued.

"I spent two years trying to get over my guilt for surviving. For two years I've been going over that day in my head, wishing that I could change what happened. And then when I saw you on Horizon..." Kaidan paused, taking a deep breath before he continued, "You were standing right in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. Everything just pulled hard to port."

He exhaled, running his hands through his black hair, staring down at his desk with his hands behind his neck. Hesitated for sec onds.

"Look, I know I said some things I shouldn't have and…" iGod…/i "A lot has changed in the past two years. I guess I don't know who either of us is anymore."

All the memories he had of Shepard just came rushing over him. Every mission they went on together, every shore leave, every quirk of his Commander. The way Markus would look at him with his piercing blue eyes when he thought no one saw. The way he looked at him on Horizon…

i"Kaidan, I need you to trust me on this one."

"I did trust you."

In less than a moment, his expression changed. Kaidan could see the emotions reflect on his face, Shepard had never been good at hiding his emotions, and he saw the damage those four words had done.

"But I can't understand how you can work with Cerberus, Shepard," he said, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling he got from seeing his commander look like that. His former commander. "After everything they did, after what we saw." He shook his head, trying to make sense of what he felt, "What they did to your squad on Akuze."

"I know, I know what they did."

Kaidan could hear him choke up on his words.

"But they're right about this."

"I don't know…" He slowly shook his head, looking at Markus, "I feel like I don't know you anymore."/i

Kaidan looked up and saw the lamp indicating that the message was still being recorded blinking away. He took a breath before he continued.

"Please be careful Shepard," he said quietly, folding his hands in front of his face, "I've watched too many people close to me die – on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon. On the Normandy. I-" iI couldn't bear it if I lost you again./i "If you're still the one I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself."

He rested his forehead against his hands. "When things settle down a little… maybe… I don't know." Kaidan took a deep breath, looking up again. "Just take care."

He turned off the recording. Buried his face in his hands, trying to gather his thoughts, to make some sense of them.

i'I couldn't bear it if I lost you again'?/i

Kaidan groaned, rubbing his face with his hands. Ever since he found out that Shepard was alive, he'd been unsure of what he felt. Happy and relieved that he was alive, betrayed that he was with Cerberus now. And then there was that feeling buried deep inside him. Longing. To once again be on the Normandy, to travel across the galaxy with the great Commander Shepard. To once more fight alongside him.

But his loyalty held him to the Alliance. He wouldn't betray them, not even for Shepard.

He just hoped that Markus would leave Cerberus once the Collectors weren't a threat anymore.

Kaidan attached the audio file to a message. Hoped that it would get through to Shepard as he pressed send. Hoped that it would be enough for Markus to forgive him for what he said back on Horizon.

And he sighed again, burying his face in his hands.

iShepard…/i


	7. Chapter 7

"Commander?"

Markus turned his heard in the direction the voice came from.

"Miranda?"

"ETA at the Omega 4-relay in about two hours."

He nodded slowly. "Thank you."

The elevator door opened in front of him, and he got into the small room of metal walls, pressing the button to take him up to top floor of the ship, to the Captain's Cabin.

This was it. Do or die. Nobody even knew if they'd actually survive going through the relay. It was all just numbers and educated guesses. For all he knew, the Normandy could get torn apart as soon as they got through. And even if they got through in one piece, they had no idea what was on the other side. Collectors, yes, but what else? What if there was a Reaper waiting for them on the other side? They wouldn't stand a chance.

Markus sighed. He shouldn't think like this. It wouldn't help him thinking about dying. And…

He chuckled, shaking his head.

And no matter how small their chances of success were, no matter how much anyone doubted they'd return from this, he would do it.

If there was the chance to stop the Collectors, it didn't matter how small, he would do it. For humanity. For Kaidan.

The door opened in front of him and he got out from the elevator. Pressed the button to open the door to his cabin.

iKaidan…/i

He pinched his nose while walking into the room, then running his hand over his short stubble of a hair, leaving his hand to rest at his neck.

Shepard just couldn't seem to get over him. Not even after what he said on Horizon. Maybe because of the message he sent him after, apologizing, though he knew he would've forgiven Kaidan even if he didn't. Knew that he wouldn't get over him that easy.

He sat down on the couch, shutting his eyes for a moment, trying to clear his head.

As much as he knew he needed to go into this mission with a clear mind, he also knew he needed a reason to do all of this. He wanted to know he was doing this for someone. And even though he knew it was hopeless, that he didn't return his feelings, that someone was still Kaidan.

Markus opened his eyes. Saw the PDA lying on the table in front of him, where he left it the night before.

He picked it up, knowing exactly what the screen would show once he turned it on, because it was always the same thing. The message he had received from Kaidan a few days after their meeting on Horizon.

The recorded started playing.

i"Shepard…"/i

Markus leaned his forehead into the palm on his hand when he heard the voice. His heart was racing, from just hearing a recording of him saying his name.

i"I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon."/i

He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down, but knew it wouldn't work. He had listened to this recording dozens of times already, and he still felt flustered listening to it.

i"I spent two years trying to get over my guilt for surviving."

Two years… I lost two years./i

Shepard pinched the bridge of his nose.

i"For two years I've been going over that day in my head, wishing that I could change what happened. And then I saw you on Horizon… You were standing right in front of me, but you were with Cerberus."

I know, I know./i

He hated that he were. That he still was. He knew better than that, but he had to. Because nobody else would believe him.

i"Everything just pulled hard to port."/i

Markus could hear a soft sigh in the message. He imagined Kaidan recording this. Did he record this in his home, in his apartment?

i"Look, I know I said some things I shouldn't have and… A lot of things has changed in the past two years. I guess I don't know who either of us is anymore."/i

His heart was beating so hard, like it was trying to get out of his chest.

i"I did trust you."/i

Those four words still broke his heart.

i"But I can't understand how you can work with Cerberus, Shepard, after everything they did, after what we saw. What they did to your squad on Akuze."/i

To hear that him say that, to hear that Kaidan couldn't trust him anymore because he was with Cerberus…

i"Please be careful, Shepard."/i

Markus took a deep breath, trying to calm himself again.

i"I've watched too many people close to me die – on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon. On the Normandy. I-"/i

He wondered how close Kaidan considered them to be now. Were he still his friend? Or just his former Commander? Was he even that?

i"If you're still the one I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted."

I know.

"Watch yourself. When things settle down a little… maybe… I don't know."/i

He still wondered what he was going to say when he recorded the message. If he really didn't know, or if he just didn't want to say it because he was with Cerberus now.

i"Just take care./i

And then the recording ended.

Markus held onto the PDA for a few moments longer before slowly putting it down on the table again.

Even after listening to it all those times he still didn't know what to think. He still didn't know if this meant that Kaidan didn't consider him a traitor anymore, or if he just wanted to…

Shepard groaned, burying his face in his hands.

He wondered if he should send a message to Kaidan. In case he wouldn't come back. To finally confess his feelings, even though he probably already knew.

He picked up the PDA from the table again, pressing to reply. Watched the record button flash in front of his eyes.

"No…"

He was going to come back from this. Alive. And when he did, he could tell him. When he came back, he would tell Kaidan that he loved him.


	8. Chapter 8

How many months had it been since Horizon? How many months had it been since he sent that voice mail, when he desperately had tried to find some way to apologize to his former commander for what he said? And he had never gotten a reply.

Shepard must hate him now.

Kaidan knew about the mission through the Omega-4 relay, the whole galaxy did by now. The first ship to ever pass through the relay and then come back. They'd destroyed the Collectors. And if he was going to believe the rumors spreading through Alliance soldiers, Markus was no longer with Cerberus.

He left them as soon as his mission to defeat the Collectors was over, just like he said he would on Horizon.

Kaidan hadn't believed him back then, and now he was paying the price. His friendship with Shepard was ruined because he wouldn't listen to him. Because he had been stubborn and refused to believe that Markus wasn't with Cerberus, not really.

He rubbed his forehead, trying to get rid of the migraine he had, the one that was getting worse the more he thought about this. But he couldn't stop. He's been such an ass.

He should've known Markus would never work with Cerberus out of his own will. They'd all seen what they were capable of, Shepard more than anyone. Hell, it was a miracle he was even alive after Akuze. And he still couldn't believe him when he said he wanted nothing to do with them? That he ihad/i to work with them in order to stop the Collectors, because no one else would?

Kaidan buried his face in his hands and groaned loudly.

"Is it one of your migraines again, Commander?"

He nearly jumped at the voice, looking up at woman standing next to him and trying to act as normal as he possibly could, running a hand through his dark hair. "Yeah…"

"I can't imagine what it'd be like if I had the L2 implants," she said, sitting down on his desk, "I mean, they're stronger than the L3 I have, right? But I don't know if I could deal with having migraines all the time."

"You get used to it," he said in a low voice. "Did you want anything, Major?"

"Nah, I was just coming to sneak a peek."

"Sneak a peek?"

"Well, your desk has the best view."

"Best view?"

"You haven't heard?"

He sat up in his chair, straightening himself. "Heard what?"

"They're bringing in Commander Shepard," she replied, "He crashed an asteroid into a relay. It exploded, killing more than three hundred thousand batarians."

Shepard… did that? "Are you sure?"

"Yup."

No, he couldn't have. Not without a damned good reason. "Why would he do that?"

"Well, it's just rumors, but he's claiming the Reapers are coming."

He looked over to the Major. People still didn't believe them about the Reapers. It had been more than two years since Sovereign, almost three, and there hadn't been a sign of the Reapers ever returning, so most people ever forgot about Shepard's warnings, or claimed he was deluded. The Alliance brass didn't do anything to put those rumors to rest. In fact, Kaidan was almost sure they were glad that people believed that, because nobody really wanted to believe in the Reapers.

But he knew. And if Markus blew up a star system to stop them…

"Here they come!" she whispered excitedly, nudging his arm.

Kaidan turned around, saw a small group of soldiers coming in through the door at the end of the room. Everyone got quiet.

Anderson was leading the group, and he didn't pay any attention to the people looking at them. Behind him came a group of soldiers, with full armor and firearms in their hands.

It was so silent in the room that he could even hear the chains rustling.

And then he saw him, in the middle of the group of soldiers.

His face was dirty; Kaidan could even see some dried blood under his nose and on his cheek, and his hair had grown out from the usual short stubble he had and in a mess. His armor was scratched, full of dents and cuts after all his fights. His hands were cuffed, and his weapons had been stripped. He looked so…

Tired.

He seemed to be far from being the man Kaidan once knew. Had Cerberus changed him so much?

"I don't like the batarians any more than the average human, but I think it's a bit too much to blow up an entire batarian colony," the Major said, turning to him again, "Don't you agree?"

"I thought you said he did it because the Reapers were returning?"

"Yeah, that's what he's claiming, but you don't believe him, do you?"

He looked over to his former commander being taken away, Anderson leading the way to the board room where he was to be heard by the admiralty board, no doubt.

Even if they believed him about his motives for crashing the asteroid into the relay, they would still give him a dishonored discharge, if not even court-martial him and let put him in the brig, just to appease the batarians to avoid a war between the races.

He would never again fight alongside Shepard.

Kaidan felt a sting of sorrow in his chest at the thought.

He would never again be at the side of the great Commander Markus Shepard…


End file.
